Tag Archives: Barack Obama

How I Could Have Won The Nobel Peace Prize

October 9th, 2009 was a pretty big news day.  Before I get to the actual focus of this post, I do want to discuss another fairly prominent news story that took place yesterday.

Many of us know that early yesterday morning, NASA commenced with Mission: Bomb The Fuckin’ Moon.  I don’t believe that was the official name of the project, but that’s basically the overall idea.  NASA bombed the moon.  When I first read about this, I had a minor nerd-fantasy moment, which I don’t usually have very often.  I don’t consider myself much of a nerd—I have the occasional nerd-like obsession with certain things, but it’s not like I hole myself up with stacks of comic books and Magic: The Gathering sets and stuff like that.  However, I did have a nerd-fantasy moment when I heard about NASA’s plan to bomb the moon, which they were going to broadcast on television.  Here’s what I envisioned:

NASA launches the items that are going to collide with the moon.  As soon as the bombs (or whatever they were launching for the mission) hit the moon, NASA switches from the live feed to footage of the first Death Star exploding at the end of Star Wars: A New Hope.  Would that not have been absolutely HILARIOUS? “Oh shit…uh, Houston?  We’ve got a little situation here…”

Anyway, that’s not even close to the biggest news story of yesterday.  Most of us know by now that President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize yesterday.  And since then, as if the poor guy didn’t already have enough controversies to deal with, people have found yet another polarizing moment to contend with.  People on the left are claiming that Obama’s award was deserved because of his vision; people on the right are claiming that Obama’s award was not deserved because he hasn’t actually done much of anything since being in office.  Here’s how I feel about it:

Obama deserved to win the Nobel Peace Prize, because he has done virtually nothing.  This is not just a snide thumbing-of-my-nose to both political sides.  To be honest, it was a brilliant decision on behalf of the Nobel folks.  Think about it—Obama is leading by example by doing virtually nothing.  Therefore, if the rest of the world were to do virtually nothing, we would achieve world peace.  Why?

Because nobody’s fucking doing anything.

Regardless of how you feel about the whole situation, you have to admit that Obama basically won because of his ideas.  And I’m glad he did.  Really.  If he didn’t, who would have?  Some peace-lovin’ hippie that nobody’s ever heard of?  Fuck that.  But through Obama’s award, I learned something: it’s apparently really easy to win the Nobel Peace Prize.  All you need now are ideas.  I had no idea it was that simple.

I have an idea for achieving world peace.  I’m thinking about submitting it.  You wanna know what it is? (I don’t know why I’m asking you, especially since I’m going to type it out anyway.) I haven’t figured out how this would work financially, but I think it could still be effective.  My idea for achieving world peace is this:

Buy every single person in the world a brand-new suit.

Now, you might think to yourself, “How in the world could you establish world peace that way?”

Well, think about it: it would put an end to all world conflicts, wars, and battles of all magnitudes because everybody would be too busy walking around, admiring their brand-new suits. (“Oh, wow, hey…I could really get used to this, man!”) There wouldn’t be any more random skirmishes in particularly dangerous areas, like the Middle East, because of the fear that their brand-new suits could be ruined—scuffed-up shoes, jacket lining ripped, etc.  Everybody would be happy and we would have finally achieved world peace.

At least until somebody got jealous of somebody else’s suit.  You know, like some guy walking around Pakistan going, “Allah-damnit, why does Mohammed get an Armani in maroon?  I wanted an Armani in maroon!  Mohammed doesn’t look good in maroon—I look good in maroon!  I’m stuck with this bullshit from Men’s Wearhouse!” His wife looks at him, “What are you going to do, al-Salami, my love?”

And he goes, “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’m going to KILL MOHAMMED AND STEAL HIS SUIT!”

Next thing you know, we’re right back to square one.  So, okay, maybe it’s not a perfect plan for achieving world peace.  I guess that’s why I didn’t fucking win.

But at least everyone would have nicer wardrobes.

Until next time,

–Riley

An Excerpt From The Upcoming Memoir By George W. Bush

(I wrote this for a creative writing class that I’m in right now.  I figured it’d be nice to post here since I haven’t written anything here in a while, and because it’s something totally different.  Hope you enjoy.)

The following is an advance excerpt from Decision Points, the upcoming memoir by George W. Bush, in which the former US president attempts to explain his reasons and motivations behind several of the most significant and controversial aspects of his presidency.  The full text is slated for release sometime in 2010.  However, the publisher, in order to garner press coverage for the book, has decided to release this passage to the public, in which Bush gives consideration to what he claims is the most important decision he had to make in regards to his tenure as president.

You know, it’s an odd thing.  I’ll admit that.  But that’s why I’m writing this book.

I am, of course, referring to quite possibly the biggest decision I had to make in regards to my presidency: the decision to write this book in regards to my presidency.  Don’t get me wrong—the money’s awesome.  I love it.  Have you ever smoked a pipe packed with a hundred-dollar bill?  It’s not quite the buzz I got during my old cocaine binges, but the stench is strong enough to make Laura leave the room.  In fact, I’d say that over the course of writing this book, I probably smoked about $54,000 dollars.  And that’s not even counting the price of the pipe itself!  Hah!

The decision to write this book was a very weighty one to make.  I knew my presidency was controversial, to say the least, but I’ll be honest: I didn’t know if I really wanted to reveal my secrets.  I don’t know if I’ve ever told anyone this before, but I kind of see myself as a bit of a magician.  I always liked that analogy.  Whenever I was in the Pentagon, I’d refer to myself as George the Magnificent.  It sure would explain how that Clinton surplus disappeared before the end of my first term.

Speaking of Clinton, and I hate to go off on a tangent here: did you know that Bill Clinton is a MAJOR douchebag?  Allow me to explain: the first day I went into the Oval Office in January 2001 following my election victory, President Clinton left an official note addressed to me.  All of the presidents do that, by the way.  When the new guy comes in, the old guy leaves a note of advice or well-wishing as a sign of diplomacy. (Here’s what my note said to my successor, Barack Obama: “Hey Obama, stay cool and don’t ever change!  Have a great summer!  Oh, and please don’t look in the Library of Congress for that top-secret document explaining my plans to fuck up everything during my eight PLANNED years as president.  They don’t have any copies in stock.  Booya!  Signed, The Bushster.”) And can you believe what that retarded ape Clinton wrote to me?  This is exactly what he said: “I hate you, and I hate your father for giving us you.  Don’t fuck up everything.  Oh, and I would NOT have sexual relations with your woman.  Dear God in Heaven, she’s homely.  Good luck and go fuck yourself!  Signed, William J. (the J stands for Jefferson, a man smarter than your stump of a family tree ever will be) Clinton.”

Unbelievable.  He sure showed a lot of nerve, but I sure showed him in the end.  I admit that I did fuck up everything, but I will go on record saying that it was entirely out of spite towards what Clinton said to me.  If he hadn’t have written that, we’d all be sleeping in solid gold houses on pillows made from bald eagle feathers.  So for all of you people who hate me for driving the infrastructure of our country into the ground, all I have to say is: blame Clinton.

However, I still realize that my presidency, regardless of the motivations behind it, was mired in controversy.  Because of that, I highly contemplated just getting away from everything after I left the White House.  I thought about moving to Montana, where, for miles and miles, all you ever see are crazy bastards and bears.  I’m not saying I’d fit right in, but I’d fit right in.  I thought I’d enjoy living amongst the wilderness, but then I remembered that I love cutting brush down, so I backed off the idea for a while.  On the other hand, Montana probably had TONS of brush to be cut down.  Besides, it’s not like people would care—it’s just Montana, and nobody pays attention to the crazy bastards anyway.  Eventually, I realized that I was happy enough back in Texas, so that’s where I ended up.  Plus, bears scare the living FUCK out of me…

To be continued…

***

Until next time,

–Riley