Tag Archives: parody

An Excerpt From The Upcoming Memoir By George W. Bush

(I wrote this for a creative writing class that I’m in right now.  I figured it’d be nice to post here since I haven’t written anything here in a while, and because it’s something totally different.  Hope you enjoy.)

The following is an advance excerpt from Decision Points, the upcoming memoir by George W. Bush, in which the former US president attempts to explain his reasons and motivations behind several of the most significant and controversial aspects of his presidency.  The full text is slated for release sometime in 2010.  However, the publisher, in order to garner press coverage for the book, has decided to release this passage to the public, in which Bush gives consideration to what he claims is the most important decision he had to make in regards to his tenure as president.

You know, it’s an odd thing.  I’ll admit that.  But that’s why I’m writing this book.

I am, of course, referring to quite possibly the biggest decision I had to make in regards to my presidency: the decision to write this book in regards to my presidency.  Don’t get me wrong—the money’s awesome.  I love it.  Have you ever smoked a pipe packed with a hundred-dollar bill?  It’s not quite the buzz I got during my old cocaine binges, but the stench is strong enough to make Laura leave the room.  In fact, I’d say that over the course of writing this book, I probably smoked about $54,000 dollars.  And that’s not even counting the price of the pipe itself!  Hah!

The decision to write this book was a very weighty one to make.  I knew my presidency was controversial, to say the least, but I’ll be honest: I didn’t know if I really wanted to reveal my secrets.  I don’t know if I’ve ever told anyone this before, but I kind of see myself as a bit of a magician.  I always liked that analogy.  Whenever I was in the Pentagon, I’d refer to myself as George the Magnificent.  It sure would explain how that Clinton surplus disappeared before the end of my first term.

Speaking of Clinton, and I hate to go off on a tangent here: did you know that Bill Clinton is a MAJOR douchebag?  Allow me to explain: the first day I went into the Oval Office in January 2001 following my election victory, President Clinton left an official note addressed to me.  All of the presidents do that, by the way.  When the new guy comes in, the old guy leaves a note of advice or well-wishing as a sign of diplomacy. (Here’s what my note said to my successor, Barack Obama: “Hey Obama, stay cool and don’t ever change!  Have a great summer!  Oh, and please don’t look in the Library of Congress for that top-secret document explaining my plans to fuck up everything during my eight PLANNED years as president.  They don’t have any copies in stock.  Booya!  Signed, The Bushster.”) And can you believe what that retarded ape Clinton wrote to me?  This is exactly what he said: “I hate you, and I hate your father for giving us you.  Don’t fuck up everything.  Oh, and I would NOT have sexual relations with your woman.  Dear God in Heaven, she’s homely.  Good luck and go fuck yourself!  Signed, William J. (the J stands for Jefferson, a man smarter than your stump of a family tree ever will be) Clinton.”

Unbelievable.  He sure showed a lot of nerve, but I sure showed him in the end.  I admit that I did fuck up everything, but I will go on record saying that it was entirely out of spite towards what Clinton said to me.  If he hadn’t have written that, we’d all be sleeping in solid gold houses on pillows made from bald eagle feathers.  So for all of you people who hate me for driving the infrastructure of our country into the ground, all I have to say is: blame Clinton.

However, I still realize that my presidency, regardless of the motivations behind it, was mired in controversy.  Because of that, I highly contemplated just getting away from everything after I left the White House.  I thought about moving to Montana, where, for miles and miles, all you ever see are crazy bastards and bears.  I’m not saying I’d fit right in, but I’d fit right in.  I thought I’d enjoy living amongst the wilderness, but then I remembered that I love cutting brush down, so I backed off the idea for a while.  On the other hand, Montana probably had TONS of brush to be cut down.  Besides, it’s not like people would care—it’s just Montana, and nobody pays attention to the crazy bastards anyway.  Eventually, I realized that I was happy enough back in Texas, so that’s where I ended up.  Plus, bears scare the living FUCK out of me…

To be continued…

***

Until next time,

–Riley

The Troll-volution

When I set up this blog, one of my first entries detailed a brief history of a group of guys I went to high school with who like to make parodies of my stand-up videos.  As I said in that post, I do enjoy the videos themselves.  But lately, I’m beginning to grow tired of the attitudes surrounding them.  I post videos of my stand-up on the internet mainly so that my friends and family have a chance to watch my performances.  I’m lucky enough to have a base of people who are supportive of my endeavors, so I don’t mind sharing it with them.  What I do mind is the ridiculous “internet commenter culture” that my videos are occasionally subjected to.  Especially when they are expanding from simple mean video comments to unprovoked skirmishes elsewhere on the web.

I’ve been around the digital block a few times.  I’ve been a member at several internet forums over the years.  I understand how the game works.  Somebody posts something the other members don’t like, and then the other members bombard that user with insane over-the-top insults and/or threats.  It’s not necessarily meant to be taken literally or seriously most of the time—at times it’s hilarious reading how far people will go to ridicule the offending user.  There are some users, called “trolls,” whose sole purpose is to hate everyone and everything and act accordingly.

YouTube, where most of my stand-up videos are located, follows a similar formula in the comments section.  Go look at any really popular YouTube video, and you’ll read thousands of generic comments.  Sometimes within those generic comments (“omg so funny!!”), you’ll find tangents of these inane arguments between users. (They can be most commonly found in the comments sections of music videos, because internet forum users are HUGE music snobs of all kinds.  Basically it amounts to this: whoever your favorite band is sucks.  And even if your favorite band also happens to be my favorite band, you suck for liking them so much and then the band sucks for appealing to the person you hate for liking them.) The overall demeanor of all of these internet forum users—these trolls—is that what they say is gospel, and no matter what kind of simple logic, reasoning, or truth you display in front of them, you are still wrong and they are still right.  You can’t win against these guys.

I know that’s a lot of general information, but that’s because I need to provide a background for what I’m about to discuss.

As I said, I have videos of my stand-up on YouTube.  They are open for public viewing, so anyone can go watch them.  And I know that doing that can be risky, because it opens those videos up to scrutiny from the aforementioned trolls, whose standards are so impeccably high that no matter how good those videos are or ever will be, it won’t be good enough to satisfy them.  And they WILL let you know that.  Here is a list of comments I’ve received on my various stand-up videos (quoted verbatim):

“this is the worst shit i have ever seen in my fucking life.  kill yourself.”
“youre terrible.”
“not funny at all.”
“stop being so bad.”
“i hate you.”
“so racist…fuking bastard”
“Oh, Riley, I know you won’t have to worry about having sex.  Ever.  His jokes are a lot like AIDS, in the ideal that you’re slowly dieing painfully as it gets worse. Only with AIDS you’ll at least die at the end and all the suffering will be over.”

The last one was posted by a user named AssassinTheHasson.  When I received his comment, I discovered that he was connected to the guys who made the parody videos mentioned at the top of this post.  He’d left another similar comment on the parody video.  I left a comment in response saying that I enjoyed the parody videos (though the ad hominem video comments were a bit excessive).  He left a short retort a little while after, and I figured the damage was done.  He made his point about hating me, and I played the diplomat and moved on.  Fine.

Then yesterday, on Twitter, I was subjected to another troll skirmish connected to the same circle of people behind the parodies.  After a few back-and-forth exchanges (which I won’t quote here just because this entry is long enough, and you can click on the link to my Twitter page to see my half of the dialogue), I finally asked the guy directly: why do they have this weird internet “vendetta” against me?  And he never responded.  This pissed me off.

I understand that not everyone likes me or will like me as a comedian (or even just as a general person).  But if someone genuinely dislikes my comedy, why would they insist on continually pestering me about it for no reason?  Because I don’t personally make THEM laugh?  Fine: fuck ‘em.  If I don’t make ‘em laugh, then they should quit wasting their time with me and go find somebody who DOES make them laugh.  Their lives will be better enriched for it.  Besides, who the fuck are they, anyway?  A bunch of bored internet nerds with nothing better to do than hide behind cool-sounding aliases to generate an alter-ego that allows them the power to anonymously criticize a person from a safe distance, and who have likely never gone onstage to perform within the artform that I’m creating my niche in, therefore giving them no knowledge of the inner workings of the craft?  Fuck ‘em.

I’m not going for the whole indignant posturing, “oh, look at me and how great I am” thing with this.  Nor am I trying to sound bitchy.  And I’m not ironically posting my own distant criticism, either—I wouldn’t have any problem saying any of that to their faces. (I go onstage and say all kinds of things to people’s faces, so believe me when I say I could handle it.)  My problem is with the crossing of the line between poking gentle fun and unwarranted total animosity.

And if they end up finding this (which I’m sure they will), reading it, and laughing at it, then fine—it just means I finally made them laugh at something I said, which means I win.

Ha.  Ha.  Ha.

Until next time,

–Riley

I’ve Made The Big Time

When I was a senior in high school, I did a short stand-up performance at the spring talent show.  I had the performance filmed and then uploaded the video onto YouTube (it has since been removed from the site, though I still have the video).  A few months later into the summer, a friend forwarded a video to the girl I was dating at the time entitled, “Riley Fox Is Not Funny.”

The video consisted of the video footage from my talent show performance, but with new audio dubbed in by a friend of the above-mentioned friend.  It lampooned my performance by hilariously deconstructing all of the jokes I told at the show, and then (in character as me) berating me for being an unfunny comedian.  I howled with laughter the first time I watched that video, and parts of it still make me giggle when they spring from memory (such as the opening, in which “I” walked onstage and said in a goofy voice, “Hi, everybody, I’m Riley Fox!  I’m gonna tell you some jokes!”).  I loved it so much that I even spread it around myself by posting it on my MySpace page.  As much as I’d wished I would see another one, I never did.

Until today, when I logged onto Facebook and saw that the friend who’d forwarded my then-girlfriend that video posted a new link to my profile.  It was a sequel to “Riley Fox Is Not Funny,” this one entitled, “Riley Fox #1 Comedian.” It did the exact same thing as the last video, only they used one of my recent performances at Zanies Comedy Showplace in Nashville, TN.  Again, I howled with laughter, and again, I’m going to spread it around.

Here is the ORIGINAL video of my performance:

Now, here is the PARODY video of that same performance:

First of all, I will say that my favorite part of this parody video is the emcee who introduces me at the beginning (“our next comic is an unfunny douchebag”).  I fuckin’ love it.

I’m not offended by it in any way.  Granted, some of the comments below the video (and on some of my own) are a bit harsh, but I’ll take the good with the bad.  The videos themselves are hysterical.  On some level, I see them as a source of validation.  It’s like the Weird Al Yankovic effect: they wouldn’t satirize me if I wasn’t good enough to be satirized in the first place.  If I wasn’t good enough for it, then they would just let the original videos speak for themselves.  But the fact that they took the time–however short or long–to make these parodies tells me that I’m doing something right.

I take pride in the fuckin’ weirdest things…

Until next time,

–Riley