868 Words On Marriage And Babies

I’ve always been an outsider.  Never fit in with the status quo; at least, not entirely.  But I’m so fascinated by what the status quo is that I can’t help but observe it from afar, and my curiosity gives me a kind of broad looking-glass view of my generation.  I often equate the mass mainstream culture to a kind of abstract zoo exhibit.  With so much focus on voyeurism–reality TV, tabloids, etc.–it’s like looking at a group of random wild animals from beyond a glass encasing.  We’ve become so obsessed with what OTHER people are doing, and yet we never question why we’re so obsessed with it or whether it’s even good for us to obsess over it in the first place. (To dissolve the kind of ironic aura between that statement and the beginning of the paragraph, I will say that I often question why my generation obsesses over such odd things.  I can never come up with the answer, though.)

It seems like virtually everyone I know is either getting married or having children.  Now, granted, that’s obviously a hyperbole.  It’s really not that many people who are experiencing these things, but it’s more than I’m comfortable with, frankly.  I’m a young guy.  I turn 21 in a few months.  And there are a bunch of people getting married and having children.  It’s fuckin’ weird.

Facebook is usually the newsbreaker in most of these situations.  I’ll log on, scroll down through all the status updates, and randomly come across a person who graduated with me with a status update saying, “[insert name] is getting MARRIED!” or, “[insert name] is having a BOY!” And underneath, several of their friends are offering all sorts of congratulatory messages.  Some of these people posting these status updates are even YOUNGER than me, which really makes me uncomfortable.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to get married or have children this young.  Some of them have just graduated high school and they’re already taking these next steps.  I’ve seen wedding photos with the bride and groom making gang signs at the camera.  It’s ridiculous.  How can you be so sure when you’re that young?

This is my favorite, though: I once saw a status update from a girl who graduated with me, and it said (name changed to protect innocent), “Shelley is getting married tomorrow!” And, underneath, one of this girl’s BEST FRIENDS wrote in a comment: “Congrats!  Who’s the lucky guy?”

Are you fucking KIDDING me?!  Who’s the lucky guy?!

If you’re a close friend of the bride-to-be, you should not have to ask who the lucky guy is, because by then, you would fucking KNOW.  In fact, if you don’t know who your best friend is marrying, then chances are: SHE DOESN’T EITHER.  I don’t take marriage that seriously as a “sacred institution,” but it does mean something very special to a lot of people.  However, to have that much seeming obliviousness towards marriage can’t be good.  Or right.  Or sacred.  Or whatever the fuck.  The institution of marriage is already a huge joke in this country, so there’s no need to make any more of a mockery out of it.

Are there exceptions?  Of course.  One of my closest friends from high school is going to marry his girlfriend (I don’t remember exactly when off the top of my head, because I don’t think they have a date set).  They’ve been together for almost three years, and they are both incredibly smart and mature people with equally smart and mature families supporting them.  They understand everything going into it, and they are devoted to each other in a way that makes marriage practical for them.  I know this firsthand, having been around them since they first started dating (I’ve known my friend since 7th grade).  They are taking it seriously, and for that I can commend them, because they’re not just frivolously hooking up with and marrying what seems like the first person to ask them.

And there’s all these people having kids, which is even crazier to me than just getting married.  So many people from the ages of 18-21 either having kids, already have had kids, or have fathered kids.  I don’t understand it.  I truly don’t.

The thing that’s gotten on my nerves the most about these people having kids is the names that these kids are getting.  They have got to be the fucking goofiest sounding names I’ve ever heard: Kaeden, Braeden, Kyson, Dyson, Flaeden, Glayvin, Flarhwewon, Agoioijwoihw, etc.  It’s ridiculous.  These are the shittiest names I’ve ever seen.  For fuck’s sake, I’m like one of the last six remaining male Rileys in the world, because all the Rileys coming up now are girls.  Riley has become the new Jordan.

If I ever have a kid, I’m not giving him any of those ungodly names.  Fuck no, he’s gonna have a regular goddamn name: John Smith Fox.  And the saddest part about that is the fact that by the time that happens, John will be the most UNIQUE name in the world because he’ll be walking around with all of the Kysons and the Braedens and the Woiavnawionwais.

President Kaeden…fucking kill me.

Until next time,



One response to “868 Words On Marriage And Babies

  1. dude, it’s like you’re my exact American counterpart— it’s beginning to freak me out.

    Two of my friends are getting married (4 in total, but the brides I’m not well aquainted with.) One guy has been with his girlfriend for years, since I’ve known him, which is around five years. They’re both a few years older and they’ve even been living together.

    They’re already like an old married couple: she’s let herself go and he’s less fun. I spent time with them recently and it was awkward for them (worse for me_ and I had to leave earlier than planned because they were having a fucking tea party— I shit you not.

    My other chum is a year younger, but the situation is the same, in terms of how long he’s been with his girl. They don’t live with each other, he’s at uni. The only reason he proposed (other than love) was a proof of commitment whilst he was away.

    From what I’ve heard the perfect girl lives upstairs from him: a cute girl with a taste for Led Zep and hard liquor.

    Still, when the weddings come I can count on two free meals and two afternoons of open bars.

    I very much intend to get married, but only after I’m thirty. The situation will only change if I get real fucking lucky. I’m pretty old fashioned.

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