How I Could Have Won The Nobel Peace Prize

October 9th, 2009 was a pretty big news day.  Before I get to the actual focus of this post, I do want to discuss another fairly prominent news story that took place yesterday.

Many of us know that early yesterday morning, NASA commenced with Mission: Bomb The Fuckin’ Moon.  I don’t believe that was the official name of the project, but that’s basically the overall idea.  NASA bombed the moon.  When I first read about this, I had a minor nerd-fantasy moment, which I don’t usually have very often.  I don’t consider myself much of a nerd—I have the occasional nerd-like obsession with certain things, but it’s not like I hole myself up with stacks of comic books and Magic: The Gathering sets and stuff like that.  However, I did have a nerd-fantasy moment when I heard about NASA’s plan to bomb the moon, which they were going to broadcast on television.  Here’s what I envisioned:

NASA launches the items that are going to collide with the moon.  As soon as the bombs (or whatever they were launching for the mission) hit the moon, NASA switches from the live feed to footage of the first Death Star exploding at the end of Star Wars: A New Hope.  Would that not have been absolutely HILARIOUS? “Oh shit…uh, Houston?  We’ve got a little situation here…”

Anyway, that’s not even close to the biggest news story of yesterday.  Most of us know by now that President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize yesterday.  And since then, as if the poor guy didn’t already have enough controversies to deal with, people have found yet another polarizing moment to contend with.  People on the left are claiming that Obama’s award was deserved because of his vision; people on the right are claiming that Obama’s award was not deserved because he hasn’t actually done much of anything since being in office.  Here’s how I feel about it:

Obama deserved to win the Nobel Peace Prize, because he has done virtually nothing.  This is not just a snide thumbing-of-my-nose to both political sides.  To be honest, it was a brilliant decision on behalf of the Nobel folks.  Think about it—Obama is leading by example by doing virtually nothing.  Therefore, if the rest of the world were to do virtually nothing, we would achieve world peace.  Why?

Because nobody’s fucking doing anything.

Regardless of how you feel about the whole situation, you have to admit that Obama basically won because of his ideas.  And I’m glad he did.  Really.  If he didn’t, who would have?  Some peace-lovin’ hippie that nobody’s ever heard of?  Fuck that.  But through Obama’s award, I learned something: it’s apparently really easy to win the Nobel Peace Prize.  All you need now are ideas.  I had no idea it was that simple.

I have an idea for achieving world peace.  I’m thinking about submitting it.  You wanna know what it is? (I don’t know why I’m asking you, especially since I’m going to type it out anyway.) I haven’t figured out how this would work financially, but I think it could still be effective.  My idea for achieving world peace is this:

Buy every single person in the world a brand-new suit.

Now, you might think to yourself, “How in the world could you establish world peace that way?”

Well, think about it: it would put an end to all world conflicts, wars, and battles of all magnitudes because everybody would be too busy walking around, admiring their brand-new suits. (“Oh, wow, hey…I could really get used to this, man!”) There wouldn’t be any more random skirmishes in particularly dangerous areas, like the Middle East, because of the fear that their brand-new suits could be ruined—scuffed-up shoes, jacket lining ripped, etc.  Everybody would be happy and we would have finally achieved world peace.

At least until somebody got jealous of somebody else’s suit.  You know, like some guy walking around Pakistan going, “Allah-damnit, why does Mohammed get an Armani in maroon?  I wanted an Armani in maroon!  Mohammed doesn’t look good in maroon—I look good in maroon!  I’m stuck with this bullshit from Men’s Wearhouse!” His wife looks at him, “What are you going to do, al-Salami, my love?”

And he goes, “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’m going to KILL MOHAMMED AND STEAL HIS SUIT!”

Next thing you know, we’re right back to square one.  So, okay, maybe it’s not a perfect plan for achieving world peace.  I guess that’s why I didn’t fucking win.

But at least everyone would have nicer wardrobes.

Until next time,



One response to “How I Could Have Won The Nobel Peace Prize

  1. To hell with suits, let’s just give everybody a Nobel.


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