Tag Archives: gay

The Gayest Thing I’ve Ever Written

I’m a big fan of equal rights.  Always have been.  It’s never made sense to me for any group of people to not have rights equal to any other group of people for any reason.  Every single person in this country should have every single right that every single other person has.  Period.  Doesn’t that seem reasonable to you?  Yeah?  Okay, then answer me this:

Why don’t homosexuals have the right to marry in this country?  Seriously, why?  It’s ridiculous.  I am so sick of all these tired, poorly-thought-out excuses for why gays shouldn’t be allowed to get married.  They are all bullshit.  Sometimes they don’t even follow any kind of reasonable logic.  I wish the people who say these things could see what the hell they are saying, because when you read those excuses in print, you realize how stupid they really are.  Like this one, for instance:

“We shouldn’t allow gays to get married because if we let gay people get married, then people are gonna wanna marry animals!”

First of all, no.  They’re not.  I live in the South, okay?  I know A LOT of stupid people.  But I don’t know anyone who would marry an animal.  They might marry their own cousin, sure, but they wouldn’t marry an animal.  I don’t even see how that would be an option for anyone.  Besides, marrying an animal is like marrying your grandma: they’re both smelly, they both do weird things with no explanation behind them, and they’ll both die within a few years.

However, let’s suppose for the sake of argument that there ARE people out there who want to marry animals.  That’s only going to be an extremely small segment of the population.  Probably not more than 1,000 people.  But millions of people get married each year, and that number would rise if we allowed gay marriage.  So what’s the big deal if we were to add on a thousand animal marriages?  Is the institution of marriage so fragile that factoring them into the equation would ultimately destroy the entire fabric of society?  Is it so fragile that it can be heavily influenced by the minority despite an overwhelming majority on the other side?  This is marriage, people, not the United States Senate.  Do these people honestly think animal marriage would catch on and become some kind of weird trend?  Would celebrities start marrying animals to seem hip and in vogue? (I predict Lady Gaga to be the first to take that plunge.)

I mean, I realize that in many marriages, the goal is to find a companion that you love, want to spend the rest of your life with, and whom you could consider your best friend.  But there’s a HUGE difference between marrying your best friend, and marrying man’s best friend.  Granted, it might be the most adorable wedding ceremony ever—imagine little Rover donning a slick tuxedo with a bone-tie to match—but animal marriage would never become popular, and I can explain precisely why it won’t.  Take this simple hypothetical:

What if you married your dog, and then it doesn’t work out?  The relationship goes sour.  Would there be any situation more embarrassing than making that long walk of shame into an attorney’s office and declaring, “I just can’t take this anymore.  We don’t see eye-to-eye on anything.  And she’s so high-strung: every time we go out I have to keep her on a leash…I want to divorce my dog.” Then you have to go to divorce court against your dog—irreconcilable differences, blah blah blah—and at the end of it all, that bitch gets half of your stuff.  And you know what she’s gonna do with it?  Chew it to hell.  How could you go on with your life knowing you’ve got an ex-dog now?  Good luck trying to play that off as you head back into the dating scene, you miserable piece of shit.  You couldn’t make a marriage last with a goddamn dog—how do you expect to do it with another actual human?  You are FUCKED. (Plus, you know what they say: once you go dog, you never have friends again.)

So let’s go back to gay marriage, which now seems like a more reasonable idea.

Some people are afraid of allowing gays to marry because it would violate the sanctity of marriage.  Whatever the hell that means.  Yet one out of every two marriages end in divorce.  How can anything with a roughly 50% failure rate be considered sacred?  Fuck kissing the bride: weddings in this country might as well just end with a coin flip.

Marriage in and of itself is an interesting topic to me anyway, even beyond the whole gay marriage issue.  It’s something I’ve written about in the past, and it still intrigues me.  The fact that we let people as young as 18 get married—they are kids, mind you.  Yes, they are legally adults, but they are still wired like kids.  Yet they can get married.  That is another thing I’ve never understood in the face of this sanctity argument.  This kind of thing happens fairly frequently in the South, too.  Kids getting married at young ages: it weirds me out.  Some kids REALLY rush it, and get married right out of high school.  Eighteen years old—they just graduated from high school, they don’t even know what the word, “sanctity” even MEANS, but they’re going to enter into that great fantastical sanctity of marriage thing ANYWAY!

It’s cases like these that further feed my belief that marriage doesn’t really mean much of anything in this society anymore.  I know there are plenty of people who do take it seriously, and that’s fine.  But that’s because this scenario doesn’t necessarily apply to those people—after all, they’re fully-grown adults, whereas these 18-year-olds who get married right out of high school: more than likely, they both still live with their parents.  Kinda puts a damper on the whole, “married life,” thing, doesn’t it?

“Hey, Dad, I’m gonna go catch a movie with my wife.”
“Fine, but you got a midnight curfew.”

We let all that stuff happen: young kids getting married, 50% divorce rate, and the perpetuation of that weird animal marriage idea.  But, despite all those things, homosexuals can’t get married.

That’s fuckin’ GAY.

Until next time,

–Riley

The Staff Meeting

(The following is a piece I wrote for a creative writing class that I took this past fall.  It’s one of my favorite things that I had written for the class, and I figured I’d share it with you.  I also wanted to finally break the two-month dormancy of this blog, and hope to get back to writing more frequently.  With all that out of the way, please enjoy.)

Okay, is everybody here?  Alright.  As you may recall, last month’s meeting ended on kind of a sour note, so I’d like to first apologize for my conduct.  I had way too much to drink, and I said a lot of things I didn’t mean, so I’m sorry.  I think we can all let bygones be bygones, and continue on as we always have in this business.  Anyway, we have a lot to cover, so let’s begin.

First, I want to start by discussing last month’s numbers, which just came in.  These numbers are absolutely inexcusable.  How can you possibly justify these kinds of numbers?  I am honestly embarrassed, as a male strip club owner in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, to be bringing in these kinds of numbers.  I’ll have you all know that when my great-grandfather established The Hot Rod Ladies’ Club back in 1889, this is NOT what he had in mind when it comes to classy adult entertainment.  He had created the simple concept of grown men shaking their unmentionables in the faces of America’s females, and you have effectively made a complete and total MOCKERY of his vision.  I…I hope you assholes are proud of yourselves, because you have taken his dream…and pissed all over it.

We’ve gotten a few complaints, too.  For instance, here’s one we got from Brittany Willis in Tulsa.  I want to read it to you in its entirety because I believe it voices a few concerns that I think need to be examined.  This is what she wrote, “We came to your establishment last month for my friend Tina’s bachelorette party, and we left thoroughly disgusted.  The floors were dirty, the food was terrible, the music was way too loud, and your dancers just seemed like they had no passion.  They even cursed like sailors.  I was so overtly appalled at the behavior I witnessed that, since our visit, I have told all of my friends to avoid patronizing your establishment for future functions.”

This…I really…I don’t know what to say about this.  Reading this complaint enrages me, disappoints me, makes me feel betrayed—all those things.  How do you expect people to take us seriously as a legitimate business with things like that?  Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I will NOT tolerate this kind of half-assed treatment our customers have apparently been receiving.  You should all be ashamed of yourselves.  Ugh, this is ridiculous.

What did I tell you about language here?  Huh?  From day one, I emphasized that vulgar language of ANY kind will not be allowed as soon as you step through those penis-shaped doors.  Honestly, you know, when these fine, upstanding citizens come to The Hot Rod Ladies’ Club for a night of classy adult entertainment, they don’t want to hear filth like that while you are giving them lapdances.  It is completely and utterly unprofessional, and you know that it is against company policy.  In fact, the next person who says one more of those words within my earshot WILL be fired.

Don’t test me, Tyler.  I will do it, and your sexy ass will be out of a job.  Sure, maybe they’ll hire you at the Chippendale’s across the street, but you don’t want that.  Trust me.  They don’t take care of their employees the way I do.  However, if you just wanna make a career out of half-assing it like you did when Brittany Willis was here, then fine—I’m sure they’d LOVE to have you.  But I’m only interested in guys who are really willing to put their dicks into it, and give their customers the ultimate satisfaction they desire.  Am I understood?

Good.  Now, let’s move on to a more positive note: next month’s teambuilding exercise.  Rico has suggested miniature golf.  Does anyone else have any other ideas, or are we all content with hitting a bunch of balls around?

***

Until next time,

–Riley