Tag Archives: marriage

The Gayest Thing I’ve Ever Written

I’m a big fan of equal rights.  Always have been.  It’s never made sense to me for any group of people to not have rights equal to any other group of people for any reason.  Every single person in this country should have every single right that every single other person has.  Period.  Doesn’t that seem reasonable to you?  Yeah?  Okay, then answer me this:

Why don’t homosexuals have the right to marry in this country?  Seriously, why?  It’s ridiculous.  I am so sick of all these tired, poorly-thought-out excuses for why gays shouldn’t be allowed to get married.  They are all bullshit.  Sometimes they don’t even follow any kind of reasonable logic.  I wish the people who say these things could see what the hell they are saying, because when you read those excuses in print, you realize how stupid they really are.  Like this one, for instance:

“We shouldn’t allow gays to get married because if we let gay people get married, then people are gonna wanna marry animals!”

First of all, no.  They’re not.  I live in the South, okay?  I know A LOT of stupid people.  But I don’t know anyone who would marry an animal.  They might marry their own cousin, sure, but they wouldn’t marry an animal.  I don’t even see how that would be an option for anyone.  Besides, marrying an animal is like marrying your grandma: they’re both smelly, they both do weird things with no explanation behind them, and they’ll both die within a few years.

However, let’s suppose for the sake of argument that there ARE people out there who want to marry animals.  That’s only going to be an extremely small segment of the population.  Probably not more than 1,000 people.  But millions of people get married each year, and that number would rise if we allowed gay marriage.  So what’s the big deal if we were to add on a thousand animal marriages?  Is the institution of marriage so fragile that factoring them into the equation would ultimately destroy the entire fabric of society?  Is it so fragile that it can be heavily influenced by the minority despite an overwhelming majority on the other side?  This is marriage, people, not the United States Senate.  Do these people honestly think animal marriage would catch on and become some kind of weird trend?  Would celebrities start marrying animals to seem hip and in vogue? (I predict Lady Gaga to be the first to take that plunge.)

I mean, I realize that in many marriages, the goal is to find a companion that you love, want to spend the rest of your life with, and whom you could consider your best friend.  But there’s a HUGE difference between marrying your best friend, and marrying man’s best friend.  Granted, it might be the most adorable wedding ceremony ever—imagine little Rover donning a slick tuxedo with a bone-tie to match—but animal marriage would never become popular, and I can explain precisely why it won’t.  Take this simple hypothetical:

What if you married your dog, and then it doesn’t work out?  The relationship goes sour.  Would there be any situation more embarrassing than making that long walk of shame into an attorney’s office and declaring, “I just can’t take this anymore.  We don’t see eye-to-eye on anything.  And she’s so high-strung: every time we go out I have to keep her on a leash…I want to divorce my dog.” Then you have to go to divorce court against your dog—irreconcilable differences, blah blah blah—and at the end of it all, that bitch gets half of your stuff.  And you know what she’s gonna do with it?  Chew it to hell.  How could you go on with your life knowing you’ve got an ex-dog now?  Good luck trying to play that off as you head back into the dating scene, you miserable piece of shit.  You couldn’t make a marriage last with a goddamn dog—how do you expect to do it with another actual human?  You are FUCKED. (Plus, you know what they say: once you go dog, you never have friends again.)

So let’s go back to gay marriage, which now seems like a more reasonable idea.

Some people are afraid of allowing gays to marry because it would violate the sanctity of marriage.  Whatever the hell that means.  Yet one out of every two marriages end in divorce.  How can anything with a roughly 50% failure rate be considered sacred?  Fuck kissing the bride: weddings in this country might as well just end with a coin flip.

Marriage in and of itself is an interesting topic to me anyway, even beyond the whole gay marriage issue.  It’s something I’ve written about in the past, and it still intrigues me.  The fact that we let people as young as 18 get married—they are kids, mind you.  Yes, they are legally adults, but they are still wired like kids.  Yet they can get married.  That is another thing I’ve never understood in the face of this sanctity argument.  This kind of thing happens fairly frequently in the South, too.  Kids getting married at young ages: it weirds me out.  Some kids REALLY rush it, and get married right out of high school.  Eighteen years old—they just graduated from high school, they don’t even know what the word, “sanctity” even MEANS, but they’re going to enter into that great fantastical sanctity of marriage thing ANYWAY!

It’s cases like these that further feed my belief that marriage doesn’t really mean much of anything in this society anymore.  I know there are plenty of people who do take it seriously, and that’s fine.  But that’s because this scenario doesn’t necessarily apply to those people—after all, they’re fully-grown adults, whereas these 18-year-olds who get married right out of high school: more than likely, they both still live with their parents.  Kinda puts a damper on the whole, “married life,” thing, doesn’t it?

“Hey, Dad, I’m gonna go catch a movie with my wife.”
“Fine, but you got a midnight curfew.”

We let all that stuff happen: young kids getting married, 50% divorce rate, and the perpetuation of that weird animal marriage idea.  But, despite all those things, homosexuals can’t get married.

That’s fuckin’ GAY.

Until next time,



868 Words On Marriage And Babies

I’ve always been an outsider.  Never fit in with the status quo; at least, not entirely.  But I’m so fascinated by what the status quo is that I can’t help but observe it from afar, and my curiosity gives me a kind of broad looking-glass view of my generation.  I often equate the mass mainstream culture to a kind of abstract zoo exhibit.  With so much focus on voyeurism–reality TV, tabloids, etc.–it’s like looking at a group of random wild animals from beyond a glass encasing.  We’ve become so obsessed with what OTHER people are doing, and yet we never question why we’re so obsessed with it or whether it’s even good for us to obsess over it in the first place. (To dissolve the kind of ironic aura between that statement and the beginning of the paragraph, I will say that I often question why my generation obsesses over such odd things.  I can never come up with the answer, though.)

It seems like virtually everyone I know is either getting married or having children.  Now, granted, that’s obviously a hyperbole.  It’s really not that many people who are experiencing these things, but it’s more than I’m comfortable with, frankly.  I’m a young guy.  I turn 21 in a few months.  And there are a bunch of people getting married and having children.  It’s fuckin’ weird.

Facebook is usually the newsbreaker in most of these situations.  I’ll log on, scroll down through all the status updates, and randomly come across a person who graduated with me with a status update saying, “[insert name] is getting MARRIED!” or, “[insert name] is having a BOY!” And underneath, several of their friends are offering all sorts of congratulatory messages.  Some of these people posting these status updates are even YOUNGER than me, which really makes me uncomfortable.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to get married or have children this young.  Some of them have just graduated high school and they’re already taking these next steps.  I’ve seen wedding photos with the bride and groom making gang signs at the camera.  It’s ridiculous.  How can you be so sure when you’re that young?

This is my favorite, though: I once saw a status update from a girl who graduated with me, and it said (name changed to protect innocent), “Shelley is getting married tomorrow!” And, underneath, one of this girl’s BEST FRIENDS wrote in a comment: “Congrats!  Who’s the lucky guy?”

Are you fucking KIDDING me?!  Who’s the lucky guy?!

If you’re a close friend of the bride-to-be, you should not have to ask who the lucky guy is, because by then, you would fucking KNOW.  In fact, if you don’t know who your best friend is marrying, then chances are: SHE DOESN’T EITHER.  I don’t take marriage that seriously as a “sacred institution,” but it does mean something very special to a lot of people.  However, to have that much seeming obliviousness towards marriage can’t be good.  Or right.  Or sacred.  Or whatever the fuck.  The institution of marriage is already a huge joke in this country, so there’s no need to make any more of a mockery out of it.

Are there exceptions?  Of course.  One of my closest friends from high school is going to marry his girlfriend (I don’t remember exactly when off the top of my head, because I don’t think they have a date set).  They’ve been together for almost three years, and they are both incredibly smart and mature people with equally smart and mature families supporting them.  They understand everything going into it, and they are devoted to each other in a way that makes marriage practical for them.  I know this firsthand, having been around them since they first started dating (I’ve known my friend since 7th grade).  They are taking it seriously, and for that I can commend them, because they’re not just frivolously hooking up with and marrying what seems like the first person to ask them.

And there’s all these people having kids, which is even crazier to me than just getting married.  So many people from the ages of 18-21 either having kids, already have had kids, or have fathered kids.  I don’t understand it.  I truly don’t.

The thing that’s gotten on my nerves the most about these people having kids is the names that these kids are getting.  They have got to be the fucking goofiest sounding names I’ve ever heard: Kaeden, Braeden, Kyson, Dyson, Flaeden, Glayvin, Flarhwewon, Agoioijwoihw, etc.  It’s ridiculous.  These are the shittiest names I’ve ever seen.  For fuck’s sake, I’m like one of the last six remaining male Rileys in the world, because all the Rileys coming up now are girls.  Riley has become the new Jordan.

If I ever have a kid, I’m not giving him any of those ungodly names.  Fuck no, he’s gonna have a regular goddamn name: John Smith Fox.  And the saddest part about that is the fact that by the time that happens, John will be the most UNIQUE name in the world because he’ll be walking around with all of the Kysons and the Braedens and the Woiavnawionwais.

President Kaeden…fucking kill me.

Until next time,