The Mall At Rich Douchebag Hills

Last night, I went to The Mall at Green Hills for the first time.  For those who are located outside of Tennessee, Green Hills is a very upper-class suburb of Nashville.  It’s where all the really rich fuckers live.  Therefore, The Mall at Green Hills is possibly the most high-end mall in the state, filled with stupidly expensive designer fashion and apparel shops.

In other words, The Mall at Green Hills is a nice place when you need a stark reminder of how fucking BROKE you are.

I go to malls on a frequent basis.  It’s one of my “things.”  I very rarely ever shop at them—I just like to walk around and take it all in.  People-watch.  Sometimes I’ll make loops and verbally work out new stand-up material (which I’m sure must be amusing for some people, to see a guy randomly talking to himself while walking around the mall alone).  It also helps me keep up with wherever the culture is at that point in time.  It’s free entertainment, essentially.

But The Mall at Green Hills is kinda weird.  I was wearing my usual t-shirt and jeans attire.  But because it was such a high-end place, for the first time in my life, I felt completely underdressed.  My outfit altogether probably cost less than $50, and I honestly felt like I should have worn a suit just to feel comfortable walking around there.  Like they shouldn’t have even let me in to begin with, dressed as I was.  Like instead, I would have walked in, and then sirens would begin wailing uncontrollably.  A voice would boom over the PA system, bellowing, “MIDDLE CLASS IN SECTOR 5!  MIDDLE CLASS IN SECTOR 5!”  And then hordes of impeccably-dressed J. Crew salesmen would begin chasing me off, swinging Louis Vuitton bags.

I felt more underdressed when every single other person at the mall was dressed like a rich douchebag.  Every other person.  Even the girls dressed like rich douchebags.  Smug, arrogant, fuckin’ rich—I’d be willing to bet most of ’em have never set foot in a public school.  However, I did see ONE girl wearing generic jeans and a cheap Batman t-shirt.  Were I a man of courage, I would have approached her, said, “Thank you for not dressing like a rich douchebag,” and simply walked away.  But alas, I’m a huge pussy.

The Mall at Green Hills has an Apple Store.  That’s Apple, as in the huge technology behemoth with Macs and iPods and iPhones and iFarts and other iThings.  Which is all fine and well—I have a Macbook myself—but here’s the weird thing about the Apple Store at The Mall at Green Hills: there was a line outside the store.  A LINE OUTSIDE THE STORE.  There was no new product launch; no groundbreaking promotion—it was just a line of doofuses waiting to go INTO the fucking Apple Store.  There was even a velvet rope and a bouncer.

A line outside with a velvet rope and a bouncer.  What is this, a goddamn NIGHTCLUB?!

Baffling.  Truly baffling.  They had a security guard inside the store, which is actually reasonable.  What isn’t reasonable is everything else.  Jesus, if you’re going to have a line outside the store with velvet ropes and bouncers, then why not just go ahead and hire some strippers to work inside the store?  It would certainly makes things more interesting in the store—by all means, it would actually make it WORTH the wait outside.

Plus, I imagine it would be the most action some of those rich douchebags will have gotten in quite some time.

Fuck those rich douchebags.  Fuck The Mall at Green Hills.  And fuck the iPhone (at least until Sprint gets it).

Until next time,

–Riley